another young citizen of reformed blogdom

Monday, September 30, 2002

Eight minutes till time to go to my first class today, which actually should meet. I'm almost excited...and such a dork. I had to let my sister use the computer for a bit--She's taking all sorts of business classes and when ever I see the webpages and stuff she has to go to, I thank God that I'm an English major.
I think my research paper for this class (advanced composition) will be about the blues. I get them a lot now and so I feel competent to deal with them. No, not really. I just don't feel like doing a completely literature-type research paper and the blues have come up a lot in my life lately (what with trips to the delta and all) and they are lyrics and so it's semi-Englishy but also very much connected to a region I'm interested in and music I like.
Or maybe I could do something about the split between blues and bluegrass...where that came in and stuff like that. you know, both poor people's music but the blues have reached a much greater popularity than bluegrass...I don't know.
Time for class.

Good Monday!
Well, I'm not really sure that it's a wonderful Monday. I'm not my favorite person right now like I usually am. I'm finally realizing all the jelly-fish-like characteristics I possess and it's driving me crazy!
I'm too afraid of messing up to play many sports--for sure, individual ones.
and other things like that. I'm really a very fear driven person. And that is ridiculous, since my salvation doesn't depend on anything I do. So it doesn't really matter! But my self hasn't grasped that concept yet, even though I keep telling it so. It's annoying.
And I can't find the opportunity to open my mouth and have an important conversation with someone. I asked him for a conversation but I forgot to tell him what it was about, so I'm not sure if he thinks it was "big C" Conversation or not.
And I hope it doesn't rain today.
I spent most of Saturday in the Delta.
I have a whole new plan for my life, now...actually, it's one that I've had for a long time, but I always forget about it until I go to the Delta.
I want to marry a church planter type guy, go to the Delta, plant Presbyterian churches for non-white, poor people--or at least make sure that the existing churches are being biblical. I mean, you drive down a straight highway and every fifth field there's a little white (colored) baptist church there. We could do so much there. And what if he was a teacher... he could go into the schools, too, and start changing the kids to be productive citizens.... I guess I could be a teacher too, but I really don't want to. Hopefully I could be a writer or something. I just hope that if we did that, we would live in a house in the middle of a pecan orchard.
My field trip was actually lots of fun. We went to the delta blues museum in Clarksdale and to the grave site of Sonny Boy Williamson and one of the sites for Robert Johnson's grave. My teacher poured some cheap whiskey on their graves and then set the bottle up on their headstone.

Friday, September 27, 2002

well, I've finally made it back to the computer labs...Not having a computer in your house makes for a lot of simplicity, but you sure can't do as much or keep in touch as much as when you do. Not that that sentence made much sense, but that's okay.
Today, um, I hope my class meets. My teacher hasn't come to class for the last three class periods. It's been the most frustrating thing.
Not ever--that would be my inablitity to begin potentially important conversations--but close. And I might have a paper due, but since he hasn't come to class I don't know if I do. I assumed I didn't. of course.
I went to a Reformed party last night. Well, it was in no way billed as that, but there was wine and smoking and cheese and really rather wonderful music--and all just across the street from my house. I'm sure I looked really cool--in my mother's sixties schoolgirl dress with milk in my wine glass. I couldn't bring myself to smoke, either. My best friend smoked a cigar--and looked really cool doing it, but somehow...I don't know. I would cease to feel like a lady if I began to smoke. I mean, I've never claimed to be a lady--I've always just been a girl, but still. That's just not something I really want to do. If only pipes were lady-like...I really enjoy the way they smell. It was fun while it lasted; I had to go home when my contacts started sticking to my eyeballs. When I got home, I discovered that I stank most foully. You couldn't tell it in 522, but wow!

At some point I'm going to write a whatnot about my house and how cool it is, but I don't think this is the morning to do it. I don't have my watch on today--I took it off for the party. (It was a dress-up party, too.) I also wrote the beginnings of a poem while at the party. Something about the way people's mouths dance when they smoke. Yeah.
It's going to be exciting when I get married or turn twenty-one...whichever one comes first. I can't decide which one I'd prefer.

ooh--gross fact for the day: I'm not wearing deoderant! wheee...

One more reflection on getting married. How is important is intelligence? I mean, having equivalent intelligences. Does it matter a whole lot or not? Statement of fact--I'm fairly intelligent and don't really mind learning. Could I like a boy who can't even do college algebra? Or worse yet, one who has no opinion of literature and wouldn't know iambic pentameter if it punched him in the face? That's beginning to make me think a great deal. Would I be able to respect a guy like that? I mean, are there other respect-able things that kinda even things out? Je ne sais pas. (That was French)
((This shows that I must be getting over the ol' boyfriend even more--he was smart and I didn't have to worry about that. So the fact that I have been shows...something.))
I think it's time to head to the bakery.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Well, as I was saying before it was time to eat (yummy salad and chicken something), I GAVE BLOOD TODAY!
I always feel so brave when I go to give blood--I usually go by myself and so it's this great big adult thing that I'm doing. And then there's the whole thing about blood--I always think about communion somehow. I'm so glad communion isn't really blood. It's incredible when you see your blood out of your body and then somehow think about what Jesus' blood has done. Jesus had blood just like ours! And he gave his in a much more incredibly painful way than we give ours and he got no t-shirt for it. It gives me the shivers. At one point last year (I think it was first semester) I was going to write a giving blood poem, but I never finalized it. I should, though. I think it'd be a sort of extended metaphor type thing. Since I have soooo much time lately, maybe I'll get around to it. (That was a sarcastic statement. -- that's the one problem with the written word--you can't hear inflection.)
But anyways, I've given blood and I'm proud of it. My grandfather has O negative and has given literally gallons of blood and I'm planning on following in his footsteps (yeah, it's a cliche). I've already given at least four times. How much is four pints? Gross, that's like two things of Ben and Jerry's! Imagine--icecream containers filled with blood. ughhh....Terrible image. I'm sorry.
I do hate all thosee questions they ask you: "Have you, at any time, had sex with blah blah..." I wish they just had a "I'm a virgin" box to check. And an "I'm in a monogamous relationship with a responsible person" box (not that I'll be able to check that one anytime soon--and yes, that would be AFTER I got marrried...). I used to blush at the questions, but I've gotten over it now. They are just time wasting.
I got to eat extra at lunch because of it--a key lime pie for dessert--Yummy. And I tried to get chocolate milk, but the cafeteria was out. That was disappointing. And of course the really cool t-shirt I got for giving blood was an extra large, so I gave it to a boy who couldn't give blood, but who wanted to.
I have an English test I need to study for and some Sproul to read for small group and the rest of my family is watching Andy Griffith...

aghhh! My brother's dog is licking all over me! That's the part about dogs I dislike the most. Actually, besides that and the smell, I like dogs. I read Lassie once when I was little and decided I liked dogs, but that was before we had a house dog. Then my sister got a poodle and he licked me all the time. That was annoying. But I'm getting over the slobber, I think.
I gave blood today, as I've been telling everyone I run into...
Yes! Time to eat! (my brother's wife is an excellent cook)

Monday, September 23, 2002

You know, I actually feel somewhat ready for this week. Not prepared, but ready. I guess it helps that today is definitely the most beautiful day of the year. (I know I've said that many times this year, but I think it's true this time.) There is a perfectly blue sky and the weather is almost chilly--I brought a flannel shirt to wear just in case. The air almost hurts to breathe, it's so right. I guess this is one of those Canadian fronts that come through every so often. Anyhow, I'm enjoying it much. I think I shall now go hang out at the bakery, with possibly a detour into the Chapel to play some hymns. And maybe I'll actually have my class today--It has not met for four (4) class periods! I'm getting a little frustrated with my teacher about that. We are s'posed to be getting our papers back and I really want to see what he thought of mine. I'm afraid it's a little over-written. I've a tendency to write analytical papers like they are poems or something and so my language can get a tad bit inflated. My thesis was dang good, though.
I have cut my fingernails and the blisters on my heels are disappearing. We have a flag football game tonight--I hope we win. We were missing a key player last week. She had thrown up the night before and her roomate wouldn't let her play. But she'll be out in full force to night.
And I really need to go.
But it's such a great thing to put words up...I think I'm addicted to words. Oh well.

Friday, September 20, 2002

Whee... I got excited about blogging this morning. I'm such a dork!
State lost their game last night--very disappointing. But my little sister and her best friend came to the game and that was definitely the best part. I'm not exactly sure what State needs to start winning games, but I wish they'd get it.
Today I'm going to talk about marriage...I would start quoting Princess Bride but I"m sure that if you haven't already thought the quote, you don't really want to.
Shakespeare and marriage counseling...
there's a line in Much Ado about Nothing in the first marriage scene when Claudio rejects Hero because he thinks she's a slut and he says, "I mean not to marry, not to knit my soul to an approved wanton." (Gosh, if only this was really MLA format, I'd have the line number in parentheses--but it came out of my head, not from a book, so I don't know really where it is...) Anyways, that's rather a cool perspective to have on marriage--a knitting together of souls. It's reminiscent of Ps. 139--"you knit me together in my mother's womb." Also just a dang good picture--knitting is an real physical process--you can knit pieces of fabric together, just as you can knit yarn into fabric. (I don't know a whole lot about knitting--my family is more into crocheting.)
But it's been very helpful when I'm thinking too much about boys to think "Do I want to knit my soul to this guy??" And the answer is usually, "well, I don't know" and then I get to think, "well, then you better stop thinking about him." Control of my thoughtlife would really help me...I'm way too inclined to think about boys way too much and then if I just start thinking about one boy--that's trouble. So I've been diversifying lately. I really wish there was a way to show smiles without the dorky looking smilyfaces.
I really need to cut my fingernails, too. They are getting way too annoying and long.
Isn't life exciting--we can still talk about fingernails.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I'm really supposed to be writing a paper now, but I feel singularly uninspired and also prepared to spend a late night tonight, since I went to bed at 10:30 last night, an unheard of happening. I really wanted to watch "Monsters, Inc." with the guys at A, but I didn't.
Anyhow, so as not to really waste time, this is what my paper is supposed to be about:
The ethicalness of Napoleon Chagnon's dealings with the Yanomamo people in the rainforests of south Venezuela and Northern Brazil.
He really wasn't so much as purposely unethical as much as just stupid. A lot of what he did, by studying their culture (and getting genealogical data by bribing them with steel tools) has completely changed their culture. But what I would really like to deal with in the paper is whether it's ethical at all to change a culture. Sort of prick the conscience and see if there is a right or wrong in cultures.
This particular culture is very warlike and gross. The measure of a man is taken from how many people he's killed and of course the women aren't regarded as much except for people producers. And I've already talked about their policies on infanticide. Also, the men in the villages are all the time taking hallucenogenic (sp?) drugs to work their magic and all their myths are X-rated and usually very explicitly about sex.
So my question is ...
What if we stopped them from being warlike? (this coming about how, I'm not sure...ideally from conversion, but I'm not sure if my Jewish teacher would appreciate that).Would that be a bad thing, to stop them from killing each other? How important is a man's life? THere's been a big fuss recently about Chagnon's ethicalities (is the right word really just "ethics"?) and how he might have brought on a measles epidemic that killed a whole bunch of the Y'o people. It's been proven, since, that it wasn't him, but some missionary's young daughter that brought it on, but if the anthropologists get all fired up about Chagnon's potential killing of all the Y'o, why is no one bother about the Y'o's killing of themselves?
I'm guessing one objection raised will be overpopulation and I don't really have a good idea against it except that that's the stupidest thing ever. Ane other possible point is that as the Y'o culture was when Chagnon originally published his book, they only had to work for three hours a day to provide all they needed. So potentially, if they just worked double their time, they could provide for double the people and still have an easy day. And they wouldn't have as much time to do drugs, either.
I don't of the questions my teacher is always asking is "why are the Yanomamo so war-like? is it protein deficiency, for women, because some of the villlages have more steel tools...?" I'm always tempted to yell out, "IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE DEPRAVED, SILLY!" I wish I had the guts to say that they just need the gospel.
I mean, if the teacher gives me a bad grade because I say things like that, I could always shout "religious discrimination".
Even though I learned last night at our Grace Unknown study (State's RUF doesn't have an actual Bible study small group this semester) that there's a difference between theology and religion. That was a humongous insight for me.
It's really rather odd, sometimes, how the classes you take and studies you attend all tie together. In my reformed theology Bible study, I'm learning things that apply to my anthropology class. And the things I'm learning in that class are insightful for my Geography of the South class. And in my lit. classes (I have two) I've learned in each of them what iambic pentameter is. Kinda fun.
Well, I'd better really go get to work.
I have church tonight (teaching three year olds the kids catechism and Bible verses like Ps. 23:1) and there's a movie at A, probably and I have an eight o clock tomorrow, besides its being game-day (YAY--Go Dawgs!) and I have to make jello for the tailgate.
Busy me!

Tuesday, September 17, 2002's so nice to not have an 8 o clock class...
And the day is a very misty rainy day.
How much more could one want?

Monday, September 16, 2002

Well, since my test only took twenty minutes, I've got loads of time to waste (or use profitably) until I go to Palmer Home at 3:30. Of course we meet at the bakery. Where else?
I've come to the conclusion that I worry entirely too much about boys. It's tough. Actually, it's a bit more than tough. The only thing I really want to do, I have to not to anything about. Yeah, that didn't make that much sense. See, all I want to go is get married and have many children. But I can't go husband-hunting--if I did, I'd probably get the wrong kind, if I got one at all. So the most precious desire of my heart rests its fulfillment on some boy having the guts to propose or something.
Too bad I'm not from India or something...I could have an arranged marriage and not have to worry about it at all. I'm assuming, of course, that my parents would only accept a man who was reformed and nice. Since it really does matter tons that my family approve and like the man I marry. My sister has some old guy picked out for me, but I don't think I really really want to go that route. What I really need is to rest in the sovereignty of God...(Now would be a good time to insert the hymn "Whate'er my God ordains is right")
and maybe come up with alternate career plans, just in case. Of course, I'm planning on being a writer, too.
Maybe I'll have a book of poetry published at some point--that'd be really cool. I'm thinking like a Canon Press book or something. I don't think I've written enough to publish anything yet, though. How many poems should one have to fill a whole book? I'm also considering writing the great American novel, though I'd soo gladly shelve that for having a dozen kids.
A book, or raising 12 or so contributing members of the Kingdom (Lord willing)? Hmm...and then if they all have 12 kids...I love exponential growth. I could have very easily been a math major instead of the English major that I am. There's an objectivity in math that satisfies me, but there's such a depth to literature that I should hate to give up. Maybe I should double major. Hmmmm....
Maybe not.
I won't be taking any math classes the whole of my college career. It's rather a waste, especially since I'm attending an engineering school rather than a liberal arts school. I mean, Mississippi State is not known for its English department. I'm not sure that it's known for much.
oh well...
If I were to use this time profitably, what would I do?
I have a paper due on Thursday for my anthropology class. That is the class that is most likely to challenge my worldview. Most of the people in the class have no conception of the sanctity of human life...We are reading a book about the Yanamamo --an uncivilized people group in S. America--and one of the things that the people do is kill newborn babies if they aren't done nursing an older brother to the newborn. And we were talking about the ethics of introducing things into the culture--like steel tools and such--and I asked if it would be acceptable to introduce something to the culture that would enable them to keep all their children. And half the class was like, "No, it's just the way they do it. We don't need to mess with them. It's not a big deal." And I was just like, "What??" I couldn't believe that they didn't have any sympathy for that baby who lost its life just because its older sibling wasn't done nursing...this when the older sibling is like three. I thought for sure there'd be more advocates for the babies, but there was just one fat old lady who was a mother who obviously agreed with me. I remember in 11th grade philosophy class, we'd always argue about the Indian custom of burning the widow along with the corpse of her husband, and the class would be like, well, it's wrong, but it's their college, they don't even worry about wrong-ness. it kinda scared me. I guess I should've gone to Covenant or Belhaven. But anyways, I have to figure out a way to summarize this book and manifest a coherent worldview. and I've got three days and it's to be seven pages.
I've also got to start thinking about what book I'm going to do a book report on for my Geography of the South class. It has to be set in the south and so we have to summarize it and interpret its depiction of the south. I think I'm going to ask my reformed, agrarian brother-in-law who is working in the ghettos of New Orleans (with Desire Street) for a good one. My teacher in that class is from Wisconsin--frustrating.
Who knows what else I need to do. School is finally catching up with me. Even though it still feels like the beginning of the semester, it isn't. I think last year, I felt so into school already by this time. I guess it was because I was a freshman then and I'd already met people--lots of them. I'm still meeting freshmen now, and I can never remember their names.
Well, I think I shall head to the bakery. Maybe I'll do some memory work or something.
a quote and a question:
Ezekiel 2:1,2
And He said to me, "Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak to you."
Then the Spirit entered me when He spoke to me and set me on my feet; and I heard Him who spoke to me.

does this sound like sanctification to you?

another quote:
"Lord lift me up/ and let me stand/ by faith on heaven's table land/ a higher plane/ than I have found/
Lord plant my feet on higher ground."

Whee! I'm doing better with boy-friend withdrawal! Now if I can only hold off liking people...I've been reading too much Elizabeth Elliott recently (instead of studying for my History of England test ). So now I'm i'm looking for a written proposal from some nice boy. I think.
We have regular season flag football game to night--our team is sooo stacked! I'm so excited. I really have no clue about playing but I like rushing the quarter back, though I have yet to make a sack. But I'm good at pressure. I really wish I had had a brother who'd played (Yeah, I know, they weren't really around schools that had teams--the downside of homeschooling or small private schools) so I could understand these odd words that the boys on our team say. "Run a route, do the stack, WHAT?" THey are learning to reduce it to the simplest terms, though, so I'm being more of a contributing player.. "Run deep and be ready to catch..." It's so much fun, though.
How 'bout a poem? This is a withdrawal poem, not in its final stages, but I think it's pretty good.
i like it, anyways.
OH well, I can't find the latest copy--here's the first one I wrote:

I shall one day collide with
the man I am to marry, because
I'll be looking-backwards for you.
And he will say "I'm sorry:" and he
will get my books and he will
offer a kleenex for the tears I haven't cried.
and you will walk past, unnoticed and

I'm almost considering turning it into a sonnet, except I'm probably too lazy.
But I need to go eat lunch and study for my history of england test.

Monday, September 09, 2002

Yay! we won our flag football game! (we played ANOTHER BSU team...) you'd think the baptists would eventually run out of people to play..and I'm much further out of my depressing mood that I was in all day. I'm really not that good at dealing with this...ahhhhh...oh well. What's the good of beating the Baptists if I can't cherish a belief in God's providence.
Somehow, that I can't understand or feel, this will work out for God's glory and my good. I just wish I could knowo what it was.

Well, I've just finished a paper about Doris Lessing's short story "Wine." That is a story that I do not understand and I quite hope the next story/work I'm assigned to write a paper on will be much easier to understand. It was Either "wine" or Melville's "the lightning Rod man" which was equally hard to understand and just plain annoying.
May I should have been a math major.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Sundays--one song:
"oh day of rest and gladness, oh day of joy and light.
oh dawn of care and sadness, most beautiful most bright/
on thee the high and lowly through ages joined in tune
sing holy holy holy to the great God triune"
The best way to spend Sundays (after a fellowship meal at church) is on a blanket at the winery under a tree in the afternoon with two or three of your best friends.

Friday, September 06, 2002

my brother's going to be a captain! How exciting is that?
I am developing a nasty sore throat and going through more boy-friend withdrawal. That is not much fun at all. I don't get it...and I hope very much that I don't have to break up again. Do you think that's hoping too much? Right now I'm doing extremely well about not liking boys (well, I'm still having issues about the old boyfriend, but surely that will go away sometime soon). Maybe if I could just not get involved until I'm out of school (which could be in just another three semesters) and then I could just get married and not worry about it.
Wouldn't that be great, if you just went ahead and got married, knowing and planning on working things out and knowing that they have to work out because you are married and you're stuck? (A nice stickiness)
I mean, all I have to do is find someone (or wait for him to find me) who is Reformed, on the tall side, relatively smart, with a heart for lots of children...and a little good looking. There are other things that'd be nice, like being from the South and being Presbyterian, and driving trucks and liking poetry and doing out-of-the-ordinary things...and not wanting to be a lawyer or a business-man.
When I was little (eleventh grade) I had this great long list of characteristics I wanted my man to have...but I've learned (yeah, I did learn something from the first boyfriend-fiasco) that most of the time, the person's character...person-ness..I guess you could say...It's bigger and more important/desireable than silly things like cars or hair. I liked Wes in spite of his little red miata and his long hair. Why he liked me I'm not so sure. Why I liked him...well, I think part of it was that he liked me (and talked to me so I got to know him). And then he was a physics major and he was reformed and I liked the way he walked and he has a very bright smile. He was also very respect-able..maybe admirable would be a better word. Yeah, boys need to have very good characters.
And it's so important that the guy be Reformed. I don't see how people can "knit their souls" (to quote shakespeare) with some one who doesn't have the same view of God/biblical revelation. It's just weird. I don't think I could marry a Baptist. And then, if he changed just to suit me, that'd be no good. I guess I'm better off just starting out with a Presby. (much of the fun that Wes and I had was making (very light) fun of other denominations..."those crazy methodists..." those were fun times.)
Well, I think I shall go play some hymns--It's good for my soul.
Too bad it won't make my throat feel better.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

well, i'm at school now...(yay)
18 hours with hour classes on tuesdays/thursdays is not the smartest decision i've ever made, but maybe i'll learn to be diligent or something.
i really don't have time to do this...still have a little lit to read before my ten-o-clock, but i just wanted to make sure this was still alive.
i don't have a computer at my house, so all my email and everything is only gotten to once a day.
i'm withdrawing from that very well. (but in other things, i'm having difficulties--like boyfriend withdrawal...that's no fun.)
our first flag football game is tonight--so exciting. also wednesday night church. i'm teaching three year olds..
this will be a definite adventure.
i left my roomate with my back pack in the bakery, so i'd better go get it and start reading my lit. whee.
best wishes